::warning:: this post turned out a bitch ton longer than I meant, I just started ranting and pouring my heart out.::
The next week is going to be really bittersweet.
Sunday is going to be phenomenal. We’re having a big dinner party that a majority of my Baltimore friends are going to be at and then afterward a one-off blackout brigade show that probably the rest will show up at. And it’s going to be amazing. But it is literally the last night to party with everyone.
I’m moving back to FL on Friday.
It’s bittersweet, I need to get my shit together, and I’m lucky enough to have the opportunity to do so, but for the first time ever, with all the places I’ve lived - I’m going to be absolutely heartbroken to leave a city.
I have been through so much since I moved up this way in May of last year, I got pregnant and had a kid for christsake. And through that, amongst other things, a lot of the people I met here have become like family, and I really really don’t want to leave them, even though I AM coming back.
Meganshelley is literally family to me. I would do absolutely anything in my power for her and her boys. And it sucks enough that I rarely get to see her since I moved out of her place, but now I might not get to see her and the boys til I get back, and I didn’t really get to say goodbye last time we hung out, and it just really kinda hurts. I owe just about every amazing thing that’s happened to me in the past almost 2 years to her, including Andy. A year ago when I was having a heart attack because I thought I was pregnant (then got a bastard false negative on a pregnancy test) she gave me a verbal slap in the face, and told me everything was going to be okay no matter what, and when I called her 4 months later and told her I WAS actually pregnant, she calmly reassured me again. Knowing she made shit work with twins made me realize I could manage, and I’d be okay, and anytime I think “this shit is fucking hard” I just think of her, and how her boys hug her and tell her they love her, and how no matter what shit gets thrown at her, she pulls through for those boys. She is all the inspiration I need to know I can do this.
So thank you, Peanut. For being one of the best things to ever happen to me. I love you to death, and I’ll miss you so fucking much.
Ciara, my little clover.
I tried so fucking hard not to like you when I first met you, because I thought you were trying to get with the guy I was seeing (which was totally his fault, and not yours) and then when he made me feel like shit one night, you were there to comfort me, even though I’d been giving you the cold shoulder (which I feel like a raging cunt for, and could never apologize enough)… Then we peed in an alley together on New Year’s Eve, and I have wholeheartedly adored you ever since. I have talked to you about things in my past and present that I haven’t felt comfortable enough to tell some if my closest, longest friends. I know I can trust you, because you’re simply just a good fucking person. Though sometimes too nice, and you gotta quit that shit, even for me, or anyone else that loves you. You are far too amazing to be anyone’s doormat, or to be under appreciated as you all too often are. I really want you to stop making excuses for people that hurt you, and you’ve started to do that, and I’m so proud of you…keep it up!!!! I’m so glad to have been spending so much more time with you recently and it sucks that now that you live close, I’m moving. But I’m so stoked for you to come visit, we’re going to have a blast! And eat ALL the British food. And I will take you to Harry potter land and make all of your dreams come true. I will never forget all the times you’ve gone out if your way to help me out, even when I told you (and honestly meant it) that you didn’t have to or even shouldn’t. I vow one day to repay you, one way or another. Thank you for always listening to me vent, and never judging me. I love you, and I’ll miss the hell out of you.
And thank you BOTH for treating Andy as though he were your own flesh and blood.
Megan and Jess - Thanks for being just down ass bitches. I always have fun with you guys, and even though you both have an innate fear of babies you put together/came to my baby shower, supported me through my pregnancy and have come to hang out with me and Andy. I really, seriously appreciate it more than you know. I’ll always have ya’lls back. I fucking love you bitches, I’m stoked for Sunday and I’ll miss the hell out of both of you. (Someone show this to Jess, since she doesn’t have tumblr)
While I’m on the subject of Baltimore girls, and being honest, I wasn’t gonna go here… But I am.
I did have fun with you, I did value our friendship. I fucking defended you EVERYTIME people talked shit on you. You put it out there like I’m some ungrateful cunt, and you know I wasn’t. I never asked or even thought to move in with you. I only took you up on the offer thinking Megan could find another roommate and not miss out on any rent and I’d have a much better chance of finding a job in Baltimore, not knowing I was pregnant. I honestly hope one day if you get pregnant and you get even half as sick as I was my first trimester, you’ll realize why I couldn’t work, and by the time I was feeling better I was starting to show - maybe an ounce of compassion will kick in.
And maybe if that kicks in you’ll realize why I’m more than a little butthurt you left me locked out of your apartment pregnant as fuck in the scolding heat and in the pouring rain, and in the cold, yet as soon as Alex moved in he had a key. You made me feel like shit that I wasn’t able to help out monetarily (even though when I first moved in I voluntarily gave you my last $80 so you could get your ticket to see Adrian) when your mom was struggling to pay YOUR bills. Yet you were working and all of your money went to your next plane ticket. Not to help your mom with all of YOU expenses. And you chose to put that ALL on me, like it was entirely my fault. Knowing I was already at my lowest point trying to figure out how to get surgery for my dog, oh and where the hell I was going to bring my baby home to. When you came to me with a weeks notice that I had to get all of my stuff out (7months pregnant) I had already been trying to spend as little time as possible at your place so as to not “rack up your bills” but you’d also get mad when I wasn’t there when you wanted to talk. Then you made me feel like shit for not getting my stuff out fast enough even though at least 3 times I had arranged to come and get stuff, showed up, and you wouldn’t answer the door or you phone. Let’s not forget the time you screamed at me the day I found out one of my best friends blew his brains out because I didn’t put your dishes back in the sink and I apologized and cleaned your entire kitchen. You make me sound like some asshole that ruined your entire life. And that’s just complete bullshit. When I started distancing myself from you, I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it, I just saw you in a different light, and you’re not someone I wanted to call a friend. YOURE the one that made a huge deal out of it, and while sure, you’d don’t say much TO me, YOURE the one that continues to talk shit ABOUT me. I don’t “harass” you, I confront you. The only time I say anything about you is if someone else brings you up. I don’t know what happened to you Lin, but you’re not a nice person anymore. You’re selfish and more often than not treat people like shit. Your internet persona is so far from the real you it’s not funny. I only got mad when you started spreading lies about me, originally I was just hurt that the girl I thought I was friends with disappeared into thin air.
No one else I’m close with in Baltimore has tumblr, so they don’t get to hear me pour my heart out - I don’t do emotions well in person haha-
But while I’m pouring my heart out, this next rant goes out to someone I will hopefully see more of rather than less…
My snackpack. My rock. My best friend. My sister. Ambur.
I don’t think I can even put into words how much I fucking appreciate you. I know right now you’re going through one of the toughest things you’ve ever had to, and I haven’t been there for you like I should. I really hope you know that it’s not that I don’t care, or that I’m too busy…I just don’t know how to handle it. And it’s awful and selfish of me. I just don’t know what to do. It crushes my soul when I hear you cry, or I know you’re in pain despite you putting on your bravest face. If I could have one wish in the world it would be for you to be all better and live your life the way you should be able to. I’m literally terrified of losing you (to any number of things) I worry about you constantly, and all I want is for you to be happy and healthy. I know this is really depressing, but you know I’m awful at saying what I really feel, so I’m just letting it all out. Even from far away you’ve always been there for me. You were the first person I told I was pregnant, and another one that gave me faith in myself that I’d be a good mum, and I can’t thank you enough for being there for me when I’ve been at my lowest points. I’m stupid lucky to have you in my life. I can’t wait for you to visit in March so Andy can meet his auntie ambur. I can’t wait to just see you and hug you. You’re one of the only people whose loyalty as never come into question. You’re one in a million baby doll. I love you so much. Stay strong and we’ll be rampaging in no time. xx